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Why Date A Baldy?

I live an alternative hairstyle. It was not a choice, it was a pre-emptive strike. It does come with some perks; dressing up for Halloween takes a lot less effort than it used to. Last year, I painted the fuzz on the top of my head green and went as a Chia Pet.

 When I first realized that I was going bald, I was very upset. Going through puberty and dealing with hair loss at the same time was rough. The exodus of head hair to my nether regions was obvious, even before the end of my first sex education class. Back when I began my descent into baldness, I resented it. These days though, when I look back on it, I think that evolving into a baldy at such a young age was good for me. Being different was a character builder, mostly for those around me. But I learned some things, and I bought a lot of hats, so it wasn’t a complete wash out.

One thing I learned was that you ladies don’t always see the obvious appeal in dating a baldy, so I thought I would compile a short and hopefully convincing list to help you out:

Why date a baldy?

The focus stays on you ladies: We may be shiny, but we will never outshine you. Having a boyfriend or husband with better hair than you-is the worst, am I right ladies? You spend hours, days, weeks; months planning and executing your look, only to have some unwitting partner show up and steal your thunder with his faux bed head. Date a baldy and you will be guaranteed a better hair day than us, everyday. And without any of our own hair to work with, we will be that much more appreciative of yours.

We have more money: The bottom line is bald guys have more money to spend on the finer things in life such as you. Why? Because buying hair-care products is a thing of the past for us, and our maintenance is minimal. Shampoo and conditioner can be expensive, you know that. Over time, not having to buy shampoo and conditioner can lead to significant savings — and that is money in the bank! Couple that with not having to pay for hair gel, mouse, moisturizer or haircuts, and it really starts to add up.

We’re rarely late: With fewer follicles up top we experience less drag, are more aerodynamic, and thus, we are faster. We arrive at your door while our hairy counterparts are still mucking about with combs and gel.

We can grow a badass face rug: When a man with hair decides to grow a beard, he tends to look like an enlightened college professor – not a bad look, but not one that is likely to intimidate others outside the classroom. When a baldy decides to grow a beard, he tends to look like an enlightened badass.

We have more free time for you: There are men that take hours just to make it look like they do not comb their hair. But a baldy can be up and out the door at a moment’s notice. A quick zip of the razor over the dome every day or so and we are good to go. No muss, fuss or drying action required. The baldy has the advantage of hopping out of the shower and getting dressed right away. This allows him time to stay in bed a bit longer, which will result in bonus bedroom fun for you. If the morning isn’t your thing, he could use that time to get to work early. Arriving before the boss usually results in good things, so while our counterparts are busy running their fingers through their hair, your baldy is off getting himself promoted.

Fewer comparisons for your girlfriends to hold over you: When women think of sexy hairy male celebrities, they have hundreds if not thousands of options to choose from: Robert Pattinson, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp, come to mind. But sexy celebrity bald men are few and far between. Sure, there is Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan and Patrick Stewart, but overall there are fewer, and these guys can’t hang on forever. The end result: if you date a baldy, you have a great deal less celebrity-comparison competition to deal with. Which begs the question ladies: when it comes to comparisons, would you rather date a mediocre looking hairy guy or a super sexy baldy?